The John Robins Vibemail - Issue #7
Hello dear friend! How finds't this thee? (How are you?).
It's base gravy day! For the uninitiated a base gravy is the key element in recreating Indian Restaurant style curries at home, and the grand high wizard of base is Al's Kitchen, you may remember him coming on the 5Live show some time ago. Living alone means I'm rarely cooking for more than one, and that makes cooking up a huge five litre batch of base gravy a real treat. It makes about 15 portions which I freeze to use in all manner of Vindaloos, Chilli Masalas and Pathias. Here's the recipe!
So, here I sit, writing to you amidst the pungent aromas of turmeric, coriander, garlic, star anise and onions...so many onions.
It has been a fair old while hasn't it? I wonder if you thought old Johnny JR had lost interest in his new(sletter) toy? Discarded it amongst the bric-a-brac of life? Or let it slide under the sofa into oblivion?
Not quite. The fact is that very little brand spanking stuff has been going on work-wise for the last few months. Some irons that had been in fires were removed to begin life as content, whilst other irons remained there to reach the optimum temp. Hell of a lot of podcast recording going on to be fair. Robins HQ, aka my living room / queen zone / sitting retreat has been awash with the sound of remote recordings, zoom chats and me saying "f*ck sake! What do you mean the f*cking audio is corrupted? Of course I forgot to record a f*cking back up I've had five pints of Guinness for cry eye!*"
It's fair to say the producers at Audio Always (Dave, Matt and Bertie) really do put in a shift when it comes to tolerating / maximising my moods / talent.
I may well sneak in another missive before we all begin hibernating in that strange mix of cheer and loneliness that is the Christmas period, and wherever you find yourself for those precious / infernal days I wish you so very well. But for now, to business!
*"for cry eye" is a great, non blasphemous alternative to "for Christ's Sake" or maybe just a shortening of "for crying out loud" which I learned from the superb David Lynch film 'The Straight Story'. It's one of only two films that I disagree with the good doctor Mark Kermode about, (he says it's "Forrest Gump on a lawn mover") the other being 'We Need To Talk About Kevin' which I thought was absolute DS.
Members Present
Captain Sir Lord The Right Venerable His Lordship John Robins KCB GCH VC
Present!
New Year's Eve Eve
Elis and I will be returning to the live-streamed realm after far too long offline! On New Year's Eve Eve (30th Dec) we will be coming live from our homes with a smattering of fun guests and silliness. We do hope these little evenings bring a smile, especially to those who either cannot venture out to live events, or understandably choose not to with the ever growing alphabet of coronaviruses flying around. Tickets are available here and £1 from each ticket goes to the wonderful charities DRMZ and Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse
Merch Madness!
Hey John! Any idea where I can get an actual coin that says 'Queens For Queen' on one side and 'Tails For Wales' in Welsh on the other?
Umm, yeah!
What about a BadGolf pitch repairer and ball marker?
Just a bit mate!
Shame really, as my dream gift would be a Moon Under Water pint glass!
Come right this way!
We've gone crazy on merch, and when I say we, I mean me, as Elis James and Alex Horne have far more pressing things to worry about than what design of Skoda Fabia to put on a mug. Links below!
Quizmas Day!
Though this may look like some dystopian Squid Game style quiz or die torture pen, it is in fact a Covid-secure Robins appearing on none other than University Challenge! And what's more the episode goes out on Christmas Eve! What a treat for all the family / impending argument about what to watch. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!
One of the great injustices in TV quizzing has been put right, and Elis and I will appear together on an episode of Celebrity Pointless! The air date for that is TBC, but I have it on good authority that it will be played on a loop in The British Museum, shortlisted for The Nobel Quiz Prize and put in iPlayer for a billion years.
Christmas Cameos
If you would like to express your gratitude / love / Christmas Cheer (general) via the medium of a digital message from a digital DJ you can request a cameo from me here. I will do my best to ensure messages arrive in time for Christmas Day, but please get your request in by 22nd Dec to guarantee this! Also, please give as much info as you can about who the message is for!
Any Other Business
It may be a while before I return to the road (cool industry term for a stand-up comedy tour). I am doing a few gigs for good eggs while I bide my time, but return I will! (probably 2023). I am writing a book which will no doubt feature in future Vibemails, but for now has to remain a secret / collection of word documents haunting my desktop.
It would really warm my H (heart) if you would give a listen to The Moon Under Water. I do love doing it so, and it's available for £0quid on all podcast platforms. There's also an extended version for Patrons which you can access at patreon.com/moonunderpod
The live shows were a real treat / complete mess (#GallianoGate, #NiceRieslingGate) and Patrons also get advance access to tickets for the next bunch which will be announced soon.
The base gravy now calls, and must be blitzed and put into little freezer bags. Godspeed to you all. But time for one final treat / gross error of judgement...
I have written some poems, just for me really, but maybe one day you'll be able to have a gander. They're very silly, mainly about anxiety and minor details. Following some deeply bad experiences resulting from sharing poetry at school, experiences that probably form 80% of all my neuroses and shame, I haven't shown a word of anything I've written to anyone in twenty years. But it can't hurt for you to see the one about teaspoons
i
love
the
little
teaspoon
slots
On the sides of the dishwasher cutlery basket.
I love
That I didn't notice them at first
And then realised exactly
What they were and how much sense they made.
And now the teaspoons make sense too, all dangling in a row.
It's as if they're newly forged, cooling
On some laser-controlled production line.
The forks, the knives, the regular spoons, well
They do their best, but they will never be as neat
As the teaspoons dropped in rows.
BYE!